matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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