The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
