Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
