I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
