I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
