??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
