it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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