I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
