My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
