and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
