I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
