I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
