We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
