Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
