woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
