i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
