I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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