He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
