His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
