I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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