i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
