mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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