I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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