I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
