So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
