I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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