I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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