Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
