forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
