now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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