You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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