she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
