Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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