i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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