Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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