I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
