You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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