I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
