I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
