There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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