He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...