I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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