just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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