so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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