Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
