He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm experimenting with sincerity
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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