The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
