I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
