Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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