We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Dick very happy bro
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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