3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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