I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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