I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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