I just threw up on my dentist
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
