so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
