I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
