I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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