Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
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I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
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Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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