Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
