apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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