this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
